Yeah, I Said It Read online

  This environmentalist tells me I’m using up all our natural resources. “What about the economy? What about the environment?” Aw, shut up. I don’t see you walking to your rallies. Piss me off and I’m gonna buy a Hummer.

  I don’t give a damn about Iraqi freedom. When gas drops down to twenty-four cents a gallon, then I’ll celebrate right along with you.

  Homeland Security

  Homeland Security. They want us to feel safe. So how do they do that? By scarin’ us to death. Every time we turn around, they tellin’ us something is gonna happen, something is gonna happen. Can’t even turn on the TV without hearing a warning, something is gonna happen. And they always do it on a Friday, ’round five o’clock. Just to mess up your weekend. You know, why don’t they do it on Sunday night, tell everybody to take the day off Monday or something. “Uh—yeah. I ain’t comin’ in today. Naw, man. Something is gonna happen. Well, that’s what Dick Cheney said.”

  Airports

  I was wondering how long it was going to take them to put an end to the ticket agent asking us those security questions. What a waste of time, like if somebody were up to no good they were going to tell them.

  Agent: Did you pack your own bags?

  Passenger: Sure did, put the bomb in there myself.

  Agent: Gate forty-five, have a good flight.

  I don’t think that the agents even listened to the response. I had this experience at the ticket counter. An agent asked me the security questions. “Did you pack your own bags?” I said, “Yes.” “Have your bags been with you the whole time? You aware of all the contents of your bags?” I said, “Yes.” And she goes, “Awesome.” Awesome? What the hell is awesome? That doesn’t make me feel safe. What, am I the only passenger who’s been up here who knows what the hell is in their bags? Is everybody else who’s flying going, “Uh—damn. You know, that’s a good question because the dude with the FUCK THE U.S. T-shirt asked me to hold something. I feel like I’m going that way. I help a brother out, you know? I don’t know what’s up in here.” “Gate forty-two B, have a good flight.”

  You, Over Here!

  That random screening that they say they do at the airport? There’s nothing random about the random screening at all. I know every time I fly, I get checked twice. They stop me at security, and then, they get me again at the gate. Once they actually made me go through the machine with the luggage. I’m like, “Man, this is ridiculous. This cannot be healthy, being all irradiated. What the hell is this?”

  There is nothing random about it. You get to the gate, and they’re standing there with a Sherman Williams paint chart. If your ass is darker than khaki, you gettin’ searched. I’ve been searched so much I said the hell with luggage. I just put all my stuff on a hanger. “This is all I got, y’all. That’s it.”

  War at Eight, Seven Central

  Watching the war coverage out in L.A. was annoying. Those people have completely different concerns. “Who’s doing the lighting? The lighting is horrible. The cinematographer should be fired.” “The wardrobe is so blah. That must be right off the rack.”

  I support our troops. No matter what’s going on or who’s the commander in chief, I pull for our men and women who are in the armed services. I even pull for the Coast Guard. My dad, brother, and a few uncles were in the military. I grew up in that environment.

  I’m happy my father is retired. If my dad were out there fighting in the Middle East we’d have some problems. I can see him out in the desert checking his pockets while his soldiers wait for direction. “Where’s my keys? I know I put them around here somewhere. Anybody seen the keys to the tank?”

  California Recall

  My take on this is: You voted for the guy, you stick with him. You don’t get a do-over. One hundred and thirty-five candidates, and it amazes me that some people actually got votes. If I were a California resident at the time, I would’ve voted for Gary Coleman. California has serious financial problems. Who knows more about being broke than Gary Coleman? He’s qualified. But seriously, who would actually get in their car to go vote for Gary Coleman? Then again, I don’t think you’re driving a car if you’re voting for Gary Coleman. You know you are taking the bus if you’re voting for him. That or you’re making a hiking trip to the polls. There should be trapdoors at the polls. Once you pull the lever for some bullshit, down you go. “I’m voting for the ex-porn staaaarrrrrrrrr!” Down ya go.

  I can’t believe Arnold won. Forget about the fact that he can’t talk, never has been in office, he’s an actor, groped a bunch of women, let’s forget all about that. I thought it was over when it was alleged that he said there were some things that he admired about Hitler. I was like, “He’s done.” You just can’t say anything good about Hitler. I don’t care if you thought the man had nice shoes. You shouldn’t say it. But what do I know? Arnold won. I can’t wait to see the governor drive a Hummer to work on Earth Day.

  Clinton

  I was a big Clinton supporter, but I was so disappointed by him. I didn’t realize the man was an idiot. The president was on national TV apologizing for getting oral sex. Why didn’t he just stick with his lie? You gotta stick with your lie. You have to believe that lie wholeheartedly. It has to become the truth for you. The most powerful man in the world is on TV apologizing for receiving oral sex. He’s an idiot. There are men I know who will gladly accept oral sex on national TV.

  Why are you apologizing? Oral sex is not a high crime. It’s not grounds for impeachment. Oral sex is not a misdemeanor. It’s not treason. He got oral sex from a White House intern, not from an Iraqi secret agent. It was pretty patriotic if you ask me. He kept it in house. I like that.

  If the man would’ve stayed with his lie he could have saved us all a lot of embarrassment. It’s embarrassing. All the countries are still laughing at us. You know other world leaders were just prank calling him all day. All day calling the White House, “Hello, Bill? Guess what I am doing right now? Come on, guess. Would you like to speak with her? Oh no, she can’t talk right now. Hey, now who’s country sucks?”

  They pulled out that blue dress and scared him. That little dress with the DNA, and he lost it. He gave up the lie. But my thing is, who’s going to believe a woman who keeps a nasty dress? They oughta toss her right out of court. “Excuse me, Your Honor, she kept the dress.” “What? No way. Case dismissed…and get your nasty ass out my courtroom! I should throw you in jail for being nasty, Miss Nasty Ass! What else you keep, some old Q-tips and some tissues? How old are those drawers you wearing, Miss Nasty Ass? Bailiff, wipe all this off where she was sitting, too.” They pulled that dress out and he lost it. A little DNA. Bill’s not smart. They had DNA, blood, a glove, two dead bodies, a limo driver, a barking dog, and O.J. still said, “I’m one hundred percent not guilty.” Stick with the lie.

  Boing!

  I know I’m makin’ more money, but where is it? I’m constantly looking at my portfolio, baffled. “Remember that check I put in here? Where is it? Is there a parasite in my account or something?” The economy is so screwed up. I had one stock that dropped to the point where I owed them money.

  The country is in so much debt. That surplus we had is gone. We are deep in debt. Like trillions of dollars in debt, and we’re still running up the bill. I’m fed up, so you know what? From now on, I ain’t paying shit. I ain’t paying one damn bill. I’m gonna be patriotic and behave like my government. When Amex calls me, I’ll be on the phone chanting, “USA, USA.” As soon as Uncle Sam pays his bill, I’ll send my check in right along with him.

  Martha Stewart

  Why in the hell did they go after that woman? Martha Stewart. Insider trading? It’s unfair. She’s rich. Rich people, they talk to other rich people. And they talk about rich stuff, like stocks and bonds, and which island to buy.

  They had it in for her. She didn’t really do anything wrong. Everybody does that insider trading. Broke people do it, too, just on a different level. We all got a hookup. I have a cousin who works at Wal-Mart.
She calls me all the time. “Girl, don’t buy that today. It’s going on sale tomorrow. Two for one, it’s gonna split.”

  Basically, Martha is going to prison for talking to the feds. Well, so much for your cooperating with the authorities. What have we all learned? Don’t say a thing without your lawyer present. I wouldn’t give a damn if a sleeper cell was living next door to me; I wouldn’t tell the government about it unless Johnnie Cochran was standing beside me. Martha really didn’t do anything. Her kiss-ass big-mouth broker, Peter Bacanovic, is the one who called, alerting her that the Waksals were selling their stock. “Thanks for the tip. It saved me thousands and it might get me five years in the slammer.”

  The trial proved that it was a witch hunt. Prosecutors brought out testimony of Martha “yelling” at people on the phone, trying to make it seem that Martha wasn’t a nice woman. What the hell does that have to do with the charges? They never would’ve asked questions like that if she were a man. Martha Stewart is a powerful woman; she probably does yell from time to time. She’s the boss. Donald Trump yells at somebody every week on national television and fires him. We love it.

  They scared Martha to death. I read in the Enquirer (so you know it’s true) that she was having nightmares about going to prison, “lesbian nightmares.” What is a Martha Stewart lesbian nightmare? “Shanice grabbed me by the collar of my prison-issued mandarin orange uniform. She lay down on the lower bunk, pulling me on top of her. She kissed me hard, then rolled on top of me. I felt the linen next to my skin, two hundred thread count! Aaahhhh!!!”

  During tax season entire companies come out of hibernation just to teach the public how to lie to the government. But do we prosecute them? No. See, I think they went after Martha because they’re pissed off about all the things she can make out of everyday items that they can’t. I know Ann Coulter or Rush Limbaugh wouldn’t have a clue what to do with a skein of maple weaver’s yarn. But should Martha be reviled and punished because she can make a quilt, a hammock, and truss a turkey out of that same skein? I think not. Maybe I’m just starting to identify with rich women more these days. I used to identify with poor women. Thank God money cured me of that sickness. Which reminds me, thanks for buying this book.

  My advice to anybody thinking about committing a federal offense: Do it quickly. Get locked up in Martha’s jail. You know it’s going to be nice. Martha is going to spruce the place up. Also if you get bored, Martha can break you out of there. That woman can make anything. And it won’t be any of that nasty, tunneling-your-way-out, ruining-your-clothes shit. Martha will have you walking out of there clean and neatly pressed.

  It’s Gotta Be the Suits

  So let me get this straight. Martha Stewart goes on trial and is convicted for allegedly getting a stock tip from a friend and she made a few thousand dollars. Ken Lay, former Enron CEO, bankrupts a sixty-billion-dollar company and he hasn’t seen the inside of a courtroom. It’s gotta be the suit. You put a middle-aged white man in a suit and he can get away with anything. “He’s not a criminal. Look at the suit.”

  Enron, Tyco, MCI WorldCom, just a few corporate scandals where rich guys got richer while the rest of the employees who were looking forward to retirement are now out looking for another job. These CEOs were just robbing everybody blind. That’s why I got out of the market. After I saw my monthly report I called my broker, I was like, “Hey, man, put all my money in weed.” The price of weed never goes down. That’s a real blue chip right there.

  What little punishment these crooks get is never enough. They just go to a nice federal prison. I want them to do some Oz time. They don’t even get a real trial. They get a congressional hearing. And what usually happens is they plead the fifth, or they go, “I don’t recall.” And that’s acceptable. They get away with it, that shouldn’t be acceptable. You ask any woman, if your man comes home late and you ask him if he’s been cheating on you, and he goes, “I don’t recall.” You’re gonna whip his ass till he gets his memory back.

  These CEOs, man, to be that ruthless, you’re a scary dude. I tell ya, now I walk past a little gangbanger, I don’t even flinch. But if I see a white dude with a Wall Street Journal, I haul ass. Before I walk by the Arthur Andersen building, I’m cuttin’ through the projects. Cutting through the projects, you might just lose what you have on you that day. I ain’t never been mugged of my future. No thug ever ran up on me, “Give me your 401K. Give it here. I want your college fund, your IRA. I want it all.”

  Part Two

  Decency, Dammit!

  Pollution, crime, poverty, disease, homelessness, war; these are just some of the things plaguing our beloved country. And yet, a Senate House committee has been convened just to talk about Janet Jackson’s right jug. They say it’s all about decency. Yeah, right. Coming from the country that virtually invented the dildo and the cock ring. But all of a sudden, these pork-bellied, right-winged hypocrites are up in arms “for the sake of the children.” “It was such an indecent thing to do when so many children were watching the Super Bowl.” Come on, how many children actually watch the damn Super Bowl? I know I didn’t have any kids at my Super Bowl party. That’s why it’s called “party.” And I’ve never been at a Super Bowl party where I had to ask a ten-year-old to pass me the bottle opener.

  I just don’t get it. Instead of wigging out over a nipple, we should be upset by the fact that she really can’t sing. And how old were those songs? Come on—“Rhythm Nation,” “Control,” “Velvet Rope”? Shall I go on? Because I can. That’s the real indecency. But a breast? Are you kidding?

  And just who are the “men” complaining because they saw a breast? Frankly, the dudes I was with were pissed off that she only showed one. What a rip-off. You don’t tease a real man with one breast for two seconds. It makes them angry. Well, at least it was her right titty. That’s usually your best titty. Remember, always fake left, go right. But now I’ve got to wonder whether or not she has a left. You know how rife that family is with surgery and alterations and such. Remember when Janet was a trifle tubby and wanted a smaller waistline, so she had some ribs removed? So I gotta wonder: Two breasts? More than two? Less? We may never know. I’m concerned.

  Flashing her titty was an act of desperation. Janet had to do something. Janet was probably watching the show. During the National Anthem she was thinking, Beyoncé was amazing, and so classy. Then halftime rolled around, Damn, Nelly is on fire. I gotta follow that? I’m gonna have to show my titty. She was probably backstage shining it up. It was so ridiculous. When you stoop that low, you might as well just give it up. Now we know what’s worse than being assed out.

  I love how Justin Timberlake bailed on her after all the backlash started. Talking about he was appalled. You know damn well he was in on it. That’s why he showed up. He was trying to get back at Britney for kissing Madonna at the MTV Awards. I must say, mission accomplished. He’s like, “Britney, you got a kiss, I got a titty! Black, crazy Jackson titty, with jewelry on it!”

  Kobe Bryant

  I love watching Kobe. He’s so energetic. The way he hustles up and down the courthouse steps, it’s exciting! It was funny to me how people were “shocked” that Kobe was charged with rape. Why? All we know about Kobe is that he’s real tall. His exceptional basketball skills say absolutely nothing about his character. I don’t know how he’s been able to focus on the court. He dropped forty points the other night against the Suns. I would be a mess, guilty or not. I’d miss a lay up, “Fuck you, I’m up for rape charges.” I would be all in the stands, “I didn’t do it. I swear I didn’t do it.”

  Kobe has that silent confidence, but he’s doing a few things that scream, “I’m scared like a mug!” But I think his biggest fear was facing his wife. He got a new tattoo on his arm and dedicated it to his wife. Slow down, Kobe; save some space for all those good prison tattoos. You know his wife is mad. He bought her a four-million-dollar yellow diamond ring. He bought her mother a big house. If I was his wife I’d be like, “Look, you better stop
spending all my money. You might be going away for a while. I’m gonna have to put you on a budget.”

  Kobe Bryant, Mike Tyson, never would have thought that these two would’ve been charged with the same crime. Who knew what really happened in those hotel rooms? It comes down to who do you believe? My problem is that usually the woman was “up to no good” in the public’s eye. “What was she doing in his hotel room that time of night? She knew what she was there for.” Now I know there are women out there who are shady and looking to take these dummies for bad, but for the ones who just think it will be cool to hang out with a celebrity, poor judgment shouldn’t justify rape. Just like if you were at a club at 2:00 A.M. partying your ass off and you get shot in the face, I’m not going to say, “What were you doing at a club that time of morning if you didn’t want to get shot in the face? Everybody in there was wearing FUBU. P. Diddy was in there. Mm-hmm, you knew what you were there for. You get shot in the face, talking about, ‘I just wanted to dance.’”

  Or if you get knocked out while at an ATM, nobody is saying, “You know what you were asking for. You standing there, telling everybody, ‘Hey, I got money, want some of this money? I got some good money.’ You must’ve wanted to get knocked in the head. Mm-hmm, you knew what you were doing.”

  True, ladies, you should be allowed to drink as much as you want and get naked without being touched if you don’t want to be. No means no…in a perfect world. But, we don’t live in that world. Let’s face it, men are physically stronger than us; you have to have some self-preservation. There are a lot of guys out there who seem to be nice guys, but when it comes to getting some free sex, these Dudley Do-Rights turn into Dickey Do-Wrongs. You will get screwed.